My name is Mark Goodfield. Welcome to The Blunt Bean Counter ™, a blog that shares my thoughts on income taxes, finance and the psychology of money. I am a Chartered Professional Accountant and a partner with a National Accounting Firm in Toronto. This blog is meant for everyone, but in particular for high net worth individuals and owners of private corporations. The views and opinions expressed in this blog are written solely in my personal capacity and cannot be attributed to the accounting firm with which I am affiliated. My posts are blunt, opinionated and even have a twist of humor/sarcasm. You've been warned. Please note the blog posts are time sensitive and subject to changes in legislation or law.

Monday, June 18, 2018

The Taboo of Asking for Money Within a Family

In May of 2017, I noted that I had given up on writing a book on The Taboo of Money. In that post I noted I would be posting part of the second intended chapter on "Asking For Money: The Intergenerational Communication Gap". Today and next week I post an edited down version of this intended chapter.

Asking For Money: The Intergenerational Communication Gap


The Taboo!

Probably one of the most frowned upon money taboos is asking for money, whether as a loan or a gift. This can be a child asking a parent for money or surprising to some, a parent asking a child for money. This taboo can encompass everything from a child in an abusive marriage who is dependent upon the abusive spouse’s income and thus cannot leave the marriage, to a parent too proud to admit they do not have the necessary funds for retirement and are reverse mortgaging their house to survive.

Broaching the money taboo by the party in need requires a leap of faith that their family will not judge their current financial or living situation and not consider the request a money grab.

I have broken down this taboo into three categories, which will be explained in greater detail in the second post:

1. Need
2. Seed
3. Greed

Reasons for the Taboo

This taboo is all about our pride and possible embarrassment. Most of us are brought up to be self-sufficient and responsible for our own financial well-being. To ask for money is admitting we have failed at being self-sufficient, at least in the short-term. We may be embarrassed because we are asking a parent or a child for money, but in many circumstances, the issue that has caused the necessity to request money is embarrassing.

The reasons a child may ask a parent for money range from the fact they have lost their job, to they have a substance abuse or gambling problem, to they are involved in an abusive marriage, to they require money to start a business, to finally, they just want money to enjoy themselves.

A parent may need money because of poor retirement planning, physical or medical issues, elder abuse and economic situations beyond their control, such as the low interest environment we have faced for the last several years.

Some of the excuses I have heard for children not asking their parents for money include:

1. They will think me a complete failure.
2. My parents told me to get a profession as a fallback; now that my business has failed I don’t have a fallback. I will just be asking for a “told you so”.
3. My parents worked their whole life for what they have; I have no right to infringe upon their retirement earnings.
4. My parents will think I am just trying to “steal their money from them”.
5. My parent’s perception of me will be shattered.
6. The reason I need money is personal, I don’t really want to discuss it with my parents.
7. My father regaled me with stories of how he was given nothing from his parents and was self-made. He will not be able to understand that I am not from the same cut of cloth as he.

Some excuses I have heard for parents not asking their children for money (these have been few and far between):

1. I am my son’s/daughter’s role model, if I ask him/her for money he/she will think less of me.
2. I have told my children their whole life to not spend more than they earn and to save for retirement. How can I now ask them for money?
3. I can reverse mortgage my house and they will never know until I pass away that I had financial issues.
4. My children have their own job and family issues; I do not need to burden them with mine.
5. I lived through the war with very little; I can do it one more time.
6. I have lived to provide my children a better life than mine; I will not do anything that impacts that objective.

Next week I finish this discussion looking into why people may ask for money.

This site provides general information on various tax issues and other matters. The information is not intended to constitute professional advice and may not be appropriate for a specific individual or fact situation. It is written by the author solely in their personal capacity and cannot be attributed to the accounting firm with which they are affiliated. It is not intended to constitute professional advice, and neither the author nor the firm with which the author is associated shall accept any liability in respect of any reliance on the information contained herein. Readers should always consult with their professional advisors in respect of their particular situation. Please note the blog post is time sensitive and subject to changes in legislation or law.

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